There Problem Solved, can I go back to my phone now?
by Poppelchen
Summary: Sometimes the Devil gives surprisingly good advice. Most likely by accident. One-shot.


„Lucifer?", asked Trixie suddenly. She had stopped drawing and was looking intently at Lucifer, who grumbled an acknowledgment of having heard her but did not deign to turn his head. The concentrated look on his face and the rapid swiping motions of his fingers suggested that he was playing 'Sex Words With Friends' again and that he was probably playing against Maze, who was his toughest opponent.

„Can I ask you a question?"

„Well you already did, didn't you?", he said and managed to tear his eyes away from the screen for long enough to give Trixie a moderately annoyed look.

„Can I ask you _another_ question?", asked Trixie.

Realising there was no way out of this Lucifer sighed and put his phone away.

„I suppose you can, Offspring. Go on then, it's not like I have anything better to do at the moment, waiting for your mother to get ready."

Trixie bit her lip and looked down at the drawings covering the table in front of her before she glanced up at Lucifer and quietly asked: „Lucifer, do you think I'm ugly?"

He scoffed at this.

„Of course not! Whoever put this ridiculous notion into your head?", he said and, because he was Lucifer, naturally amended this statement immediately afterwards into one that was properly accounting for his own preternatural handsomeness.

„You'll never look as good as me, obviously, but then who does. You are, however, a perfectly normal example of a..." Lucifer waved a beringed hand about vaguely. „...human spawn", he finished somewhat lamely but it seemed to be enough to satisfy Trixie, who was instantly beaming at him.

„There was this mean girl in my class who said I had smelly hair. And that I was the ugliest person in school. And I couldn't kick her because then I'd be in trouble and get sent to the principal's office again", she explained, her short legs dangling aimlessly back and forth under the table. Trixie's expression saddened again as she went on: „She said I didn't have any real friends because I'm so ugly"

„Well, do you? Have friends, I mean", asked Lucifer slightly bewildered. The intricacies of human friendships were still something of a foreign territory to him but he found himself giving Trixie the rare treat of his undivided attention anyway, to his own surprise.

„I think so", said Trixie. She still sounded insecure. „I mean there is Alice and then there is Tia and sometimes Marcus. We always play together and we always have fun. But Bella said they weren't really my friends and she's sure they're making fun of me behind my back", she continued.

„Well, Bella _clearly_ doesn't know shit, now, does she", said Lucifer in a tone that indicated he was considering Beatrice a complete moron for even entertaining the thought of someone else's opinion about her looks holding any significance whatsoever _._

Trixie snorted and started to giggle.

„Lucifer! You said the s-word!", she exclaimed.

„What, 'shit'?", asked Lucifer incredulously and stared at her with raised eyebrows. „Oh please don't tell me that's another one of the 'forbidden words'" His voice could not possibly have been any more sarcastic. „I thought we were over the whole no swearing-thing! Bloody hell" He rolled his eyes in an aggravated manner, for all the world looking like a martyr being led to the dungeons for torturing. Trixie kept giggling.

„ _Any_ way. Going back to the actual problem. Bella", began Lucifer, having decided that the faster he dealt with this tremendously boring and trivial matter the faster he could go back to his phone. „is quite obviously jealous of you." Trixie stopped mid-giggle and squinted at Lucifer with a cocked head and a confused expression on her face.

„Bella is jealous of _me_? Why would she? You really think that?", she asked doubtfully.

„Yes, I do! _Of course_ she is jealous, Beatrice!", declared Lucifer and threw his hands up exasperatedly, then stood up and started to pace around, fussing with his cufflinks as usual. „Does your mother ever teach you anything useful at all? Look" He looked at Trixie imploringly, gesticulating with his hands as well so as to really drive the point home. „If a woman tells you that you're ugly it really means that she thinks you're prettier than her. Or smarter, or more popular or whatever else is the feature of the day. It's a put-down, nothing more, and it's designed to make you feel small because if you're feeling small then the other person can feel bigger and better and more powerful. Isn't that right, dad?", he rambled on, glaring angrily at the ceiling in the process.

Trixie regarded Lucifer with wide eyes.

„Sooo...Bella wants me to feel ugly because she thinks _she_ is ugly?", she asked in order to confirm that she had indeed understood this correctly.

„Precisely", said Lucifer. „Seeing as we've already established that you're not, feel free to disregard anything else she says because Bella is clearly talking out of her arse. And now, if you'll excuse me, Offspring, I'd quite like to get back to my phone please. If you don't mind." Lucifer took a deep breath and returned to the same chair he'd been previously occupying. His Offspring attention span clearly used up Lucifer crossed his legs, leaned back and pulled out his obscenely expensive phone again; intent on destroying Maze this time. Or at least beat her high score.

Trixie looked thoughtful for a moment, then she gave Lucifer a broad smile, said „Thanks, Lucifer" and returned to her drawings.

„Okay, I give up. What the hell did you say to her?", asked Chloe as they were walking down the street.

„To whom?", Lucifer asked back distractedly. He was playing on his phone again.

„ _Trixie_ ", said Chloe impatiently and apparently not for the first time. „You talked to her yesterday, about this girl who was mean to her? She was really down last night - until she talked to you." She looked at Lucifer expectantly.

„Right, yes, of course", said Lucifer cheerily as he remembered their conversation from the day before. „Your offspring asked me if I thought she looked ugly which as the child of one Chloe Decker she very obviously does not – douche genes notwithstanding" He flashed her a grin. Chloe closed her eyes and silently counted to ten. „For some reason she then went on about this other hell spawn insulting her and I explained to her why she shouldn't listen to a word mean girl says because clearly little miss what's-her-face – can't recall the name right now but I know it was something dumb - anyway, because she is nothing but a jealous harpy. Didn't use these exact words of course", he added and then cursed. „Oh Bollocks!" He had missed Maze's high score by only a few points. Chloe took a deep breath and chose not to ask what the exact words had been. She also refrained from pointing out how 'harpy' was hardly an appropriate term to call an eight-year-old.

„Okay", she said. „Um. Well, first of all: thanks. Your pep talk seems to have worked", she said. After a short pause she followed up with: „It worked _very_ well. Perhaps a little too well."

„What on earth could you possibly mean by that, Detective? There is no such thing as too much pep talk'", said Lucifer and finally tore himself away from the game, so he could properly frown at her. He seemed genuinely perplexed.

„Well", said Chloe slowly. „The school called today and apparently Bella tried to bully Trixie again only this time Trixie talked back aaand...made Bella cry and hide in the bathroom for over an hour."

Lucifer perked up at his and beamed at her like a stage projector.

„Really? Did she now? I must say I am impressed, Detective! I'm starting to think your offspring might actually have some potential!"

It was in moments like these where Chloe sometimes wished she wasn't atheist, just so she could call on _someone_ for patience. Or perhaps for a well-aimed lightning bolt, that would do.


End file.
